Humor is fun. These are some humorous quotes that I appreciate.

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
Stephen Wright

You can observe a lot by just watching.
Yogi Berra

Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
Author Unknown

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Author Unknown

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Author Unknown

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Author Unknown

I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for.
Author Unknown

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Author Unknown

Don't judge a book by its movie.
Author Unknown

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
John Kenneth Galbraith

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Jane Wagner

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
Torvald Gahlin

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Author Unknown

You're born. You suffer. You die. Fortunately, there's a loophole.
Billy Graham

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope

I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Janeane Garofalo

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Author Unknown

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and
Brad Ramsey

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.
Kin Hubbard

Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest.
Karen Savage and Patricia Adams

This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
Conan O'Brien

Sarcasm is just another service we offer.
Author Unknown

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
Author Unknown

You can't have everything... where would you put it?
Steven Wright

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson

And, oh accountant must think I got whatever high school and college degrees I have from a matchbook.
Bill Whelan

OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
Ambrose Bierce

I think we should look forward to death more than we do. Of course everybody hates to go to bed or miss anything but dying is really the only chance we'll get to rest.
Florynce Kennedy

So when people ask me what American Pie means, I tell them it means I don't ever have to work again if I don't want to.
Don McLean

"Tough love" is just the right phrase: love for the rich and privileged, tough for everyone else.
Noam Chomsky

I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.
Rodney Dangerfield

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
George Carlin

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

It ain't right. It's too hot and now it's too cold. The weather dudes are drunk and messing with the dials.
Bill Whelan

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
Mark Twain

When you're a teenager, you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little potbelly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering, "How come the kids don't call?"
Mitch Robbins In The Movie City Slickers

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. (Steven Wright)

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. (Mark Twain)

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. (Groucho Marx)

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? (George Carlin)

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. (Mark Twain)

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? (George Carlin)

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. (Mark Twain)

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. (Groucho Marx)

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic. (Steven Wright)

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? (George Carlin)

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. (Will Rogers)

Only a man will think of a burp as a greeting to another man. (Tim Allen)

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? (George Carlin)

Think nobody cares that you're alive? Try missing a few payments on something. (Unknown)

Does anyone know how they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? (Unknown)

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else. (Unknown)

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. (George Carlin)

If you want to see what God thinks of money, just look at all the people he gave it to. (Dorothy Parker)

When you're in deep water, it's usually good to keep your mouth shut. (Unknown)

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" (George Carlin)

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. (P. J. O'Rourke)

What's the best way to save face? (Keep the bottom of it closed.) (Unknown)

What do ghosts hunt with? Boo and arrow. (Unknown)

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils. (Unknown)

Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours. (Benjamin Disraeli)

No man needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one. (Elbert Hubbard)

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. (Robert Frost)

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house. (Lewis Grizzard)

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? (A walkie-talkie)

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times. (Mark Twain)

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. (A. A. Milne)

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. (George Burns)

Is there another word for synonym?

I have two different colored socks on. But to me they're the same, because I go by thickness. (Steven Wright)

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One - he holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. (Bill Cosby)

If I look confused it's because I'm thinking. (Samuel Goldwyn)

Why is the person who invest all your money called a broker?

Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? (Phyllis Diller)

I grew up Catholic, which is good. It gives you something to work out for the rest of your life. (Steven Sweeney)

If at first you don't succeed, stay away from skydiving. (Milton Berle)

Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow.
Author Unknown

AIBOHPHOBIA - The fear of palindromes.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. (Steven Wright)

Ninety nine percent of lawyers give all the rest a bad name.

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical. (Yogi Berra)

"I've changed my mind." "Good, let's hope this one works better."

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

You know why black widows kill males right after mating? To stop the snoring before it begins.

It may be that your purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

The difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef.

What do modern artists ear for breakfast? (Surreal)

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. (Rita Rudner)

How young can you die of old age? (Steven Wright)

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. (George Carlin)

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Every guy has a right to be ugly - but he's taking advantage.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. (Jay Leno)

He's not bald. He just has a very long face.

Kids, they're not easy, but there has to be some penalty for sex. (Bill Mahler)

We're supposed to be perfect our first day on the job and then show constant improvement. (Baseball umpire Ed Vargo)

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. (Gracie Allen)

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it hold the universe together. (Carl Zwanzig)

He gets lost in thought because it's such unfamiliar territory.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. (Steve Landesberg)

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. (Johnny Carson)

Taxidermists are people that really know their stuff.

Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn't own a car. (Carrie Snow)

If a cluttered desk signs a cluttered mind, of what, then is an empty desk a sign? (Albert Einstein)

Restitution - a home for chronically tired people.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. (Mark Twain)

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)